The moral-empty reporter was itching for a break on something new from this old bat, but he figured his drive out to this exclusive area of town was an utter waste of time. "When Janet was a young girl, we had to drill it into her head how to be polite," said Betsy Reno. "She was always headbutting the neighbors when they would come over."

"Mrs. Reno," said the pressed-for-time newswhore, "we've read the long and detailed book about little janet's beating up other kids and headbutting the neighbors, and, though those stories are worth sharing with our readers again at some point, we'd really like to hear the one about her resistance to showing gratitude. You've always hinted, but you've never really told us the story." He had rehearsed his lines on the way over, just in case she was feeling loose today.

"Oh, God, yes, right, of course," Janet Reno's mother giggled, excited to share this one again in front of another nice newsman. Her senility had gotten the best of her that day, and she'd completely forgotten that is was a sworn family secret. The newstrash was feeling like this was Finally IT.

"Little Janet hated it when her father would come home drunk again." "we think that is why she drinks so much."

"Anyway, one night Janet's dad came home drunk as a louse and he got upset with little Janet for not saying 'Thank You' when he thought she should. Well, anyWAY," "he was so out of it he was slurring his words and he kept telling her to say 'Tank You', you know..without the "H" in "Thank."

"So finally little Janet gives in and starts saying 'Tank you, daddy. Tank you,' to mock him you know. Well! She NEVER let that one go and--" "THAT was the way she used to set him off and get him to beat her."

More than a little surprised by this new piece of information, the newscrumb was furiously scratching away on his notepad and making sure the recorder was working properly. "Please! Continue!" he almost shouted out, afraid she might suddenly realize she was talking to the sleaziest newswhore in the entire people-exploitation system.

"Oh, allright," she said, flattered that this nice man thought she was so important--looking like she was on the verge of hysterical laughter. "I guess the funniest thing about it and the thing we all laugh about at our family reunions is this: when she and all those federal agents burned down that awful church in Waco and killed all of those dastardly criminal women and children--" "she used TANKS!" Mrs. Reno whelped triumphantly, as if she'd just delivered the funniest line of her life. "Get it?! TANKS !!! 'Tank you.' TANKS! " Mrs. Reno got lost in her laughter while the newswretch starting imagining his new promotion. He was finally going to get one of the offices with a window after he broke this story.

Written By: Angel Shamaya

Keep and Bear Arms

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